This two part article was written in 1996 and printed in the newsletter of The Change Centre, a community organisation in Nevis, West Indies, which works with women victims of violence among other things.
(I don't use the word "batterers" because I believe that any man
can change and stop his battering behavior.)
"Tell us about what brought you to group,"
I ask the man who has come for the first time to the Nonviolent Alternatives
Program. "Well," he replies, "my wife and I got into a fight
and the judge said I had to come here."
"What do you mean got into a fight," I respond. "You know,
she wasted some money again and I got mad about it," he says. "And
then what happened," I query. "I grabbed her and I guess I slapped
her a little, but I didn't punch her," he responds, "besides she
started it. I can't really remember what happened after that, I just kind
of lost it."
In such a situation I would follow up with questions about what it meant
to "lose it,"whether the woman had been injured and whether the
police had come. Working with men who batter involves many small decisions
about when to probe and push a man and when to acept that he's gone as far
as he can for the time being (knowing that there will be further opportunities
for him to go deeper). This is particularly true the first time someone
comes to group--when we ask him to "tell it all" in front of a
group of strange men. If the group is going well and there are other men
who have made real progress in their own efforts to become nonviolent, than
my co-facilitator and I may get some help from participants who will ask
their own questions or share their experiences.
I have worked with men who have acted out violently for over 10 years and
have worked with programs for men who have been violent and abusive to their
women partners (wives or girlfriends) for the past four years. In the United
States, these programs grew out of the movement to protect and assist battered
women. Once services were in place for women, it seemed natural to look
at how to help men. Changing laws to deal more severely with domestic violence
and to have the justice system apply those laws consistently has been part
of the struggle. However, many of us don't see imprisonment as an effective
way to help men learn to be nonviolent. In fact, the environment in prisons
often fosters greater aggressiveness and violence.
During the past 15 years what started out as just a few volunteer programs
working with men who batter has grown into a significant field with active
programs in most major cities and many rural areas. There are varied approaches
and styles which these programs have adopted. I will focus on those in which
I have worked, which loosely utilize the program developed by the Domestic
Abuse Intervention Project (DAIP) in Duluth, Minnesota. DAIP pioneered an
approach which understood issues of power and control to be the basis for
domestic violence. We believe that men who are abusive believe deep inside
that they have a right to tell their partner what to do, to be in control
of her life and the family. The programs for men are only a small component
of a larger strategy called a "Comprehensive Community Response"
to domestic violence. Men must receive consistent messages that violence
is unacceptable and will not be tolerated.
It isn't difficult to find sources in our culture which give men the message
that they should be in control. Although there have been changes in the
past 30 years, primarily because of the successful advocacy of the women's
movement, we remain a society dominated by men. (I am speaking directly
about the U.S. here, but from my observations in the Federation there are
unfortunately, many similarities.) Religion, the media, the political system,
the economy and other important institutions in society are still by and
large controlled by men.
When I first came into personal contact with the women's movement in 1979
I was challenged by its demand that I treat women equally. I quickly came
to see the truth in that perspective, though living it out isn't always
easy. By the time I was facilitating a group I had been personally working
on these issues for over 10 years. Nonetheless, being in the group requires
continued work on my part to be sure that I'm really challenging the men
and refusing to go along with their sexist beliefs.
Part II
Those of us who base our work with men on the idea that the fundamental
problem is that men believe they have the right to be in control in their
relationships with women spend much of our time seeking to educate. A key
tool which is used by many groups is the Power and Control Wheel. The wheel
provides a visual picture of different ways that men try to exert power
and control over their women partners. A second such tool, the Equality
Wheel is used to provide ideas on what a positive relationship looks like--a
partnership among equals who work together cooperatively.
In groups, we use videos, discussion, roleplaying and other exercises to
help men identify different forms of abuse. Most of the men know what physical
abuse is, even if they feel it is justified to use violence in certain situations.
Defining emotional abuse, intimidation, isolation, economic abuse and other
forms requires more effort. We have found that using situations involving
other people often makes it easier for the men to understand how abuse operates.
Videos of short scenes involving the different forms of abuse are shown.
Afterward the group leaders (or facilitators) ask questions of the participants
to help them identify what happened, what sort of abuse occurred, how the
abuse affected the people involved and what alternative types of action
could have been taken. Our goal is for men to apply what they learn from
the discussions and videos about abuse to their own lives and relationships.
A strong effort is made to create a respectful atmosphere in the group where
people are not attacked or put down, but where men are challenged on abusive
behavior or attitudes which are likely to lead to abuse. Part of setting
this tone is the role modeling of the facilitators. In that role, I always
make it clear to the other men that I have been and at times am still abusive
to my partner. Although I haven't been physically abusive, I still have
my own work to do. Because we recognize that the changes we are seeking
are very far-reaching and will take many years, we encourage men to get
involved for the long-term.
Each group of men is different, but there are often at least a couple of
men in any group who have come to realize that relationships based on caring
and support are more desirable than those based on power and control. Such
men play an important role in talking to their peers as we encourage the
men to open up and talk about conflicts in their relationships.
At the end of each group we save time for any man to talk about something
which has happened recently. It is a time for men to confess to abuse and
talk about what they might have done differently, or for them to get support
for a difficult situation they are facing. I know that having the opportunity
to talk with other men about their problems is an important part of the
solution. Many group participants feel great relief at being able to share
with others who have gone through similar difficulties, and they feel can
really understand them.
How successful are these programmes? There have been no large scale studies
to provide us with conclusive answers to this question. From my experience
most of the men learn something valuable from the group. Many are able to
eliminate or reduce the worst forms of abuse. Only those who find ways to
continue working to become truly nonviolent begin to develop relationships
which are truly based on respect and equality. Men who come to group only
because a Judge told them they had to will benefit very little unless they
decide that they have a problem and need to change. However, the more that
society as a whole begins to takes these problems seriously and give men
(and women) consistent messages that abuse is wrong, the easier it will
be for all of us to change.